N is for Nuts! Nutcrackers - Part Three; They're Everywhere!

I'm sure Brain Berke and I aren't the only ones to have noticed this slow, sentient takeover of global culture by the madly grinning but apparently 'nice' nutcrackers (Martians are nice . . . in the eyes of other Martians; as they render us down to a protein Vimto!), so; in order to protect humanity from further incursion, here's a quick guide to their clever disguises!

Certain tropes are adhered-to which can't be easily hidden, they follow a theme of pseudo-military dress, a pattern of sartorial elegance best described as privately-funded Yeoman Cavalry meet Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band in Biba's pirate-chandlery!

Boots are usually laced, the laces either straight or crossed, but buttons can be found and plain boots are seen. Smock-jackets are laced - again parallel or cross-stitched, while others have button-up dress jackets and either crossed-belts or parallel belts are sometimes seen being sported.

Headwear varies but is commonly military or regal, if regal; usually multi-pointed crowns, if military; busbies, bearskins, shakos and Polish-Lancers caps are all found, with or without peaks.

They hide themselves in numerous ways, Brian shot these in New York, I saw two similar sets in Basingrad (an easy target), but couldn't shelfie them, security was tight. Note however that while they wear different uniforms these evil-beevils are clones - the mustaches fool no-one observant!

Large tin-plate ones (5-foot) have been seen - also in Basingrad - drumming up support (it's an easy target), drums, other instruments, swords, muskets, fancy-staffs and ceremonial maces are favourite props of these invaders.

Larger figures (3/4 feet) have also infiltrated this New Jersey fruit market (have they no humanity), draped in rich, Prussian-blue velvet cloaks, playing with smaller infiltrators on puppet-strings, you see . . . you see how they inveigle their way into our culture with a mixture of charm and pushiness!

Don't mess with Skandi-Santa, he looks like he's about 'had' the human holidays, but you can laugh at his socks when he's not looking . . . but be careful, his eyes will follow you round the market!

I haven't escaped this invasion, forcing 2-quid (Poundworld Plus) from my still warm hands, this one has come home with me and there was nothing I could do to stop him. He has announced himself White Rod; Keeper of the Keys to the Lollipop Cupboard!

His mouth works, but is only big-enough for a pine-nut or sunflower-seed; clearly they have another agenda entirely, which has nothing to do with nuts and everything to do with world domination and the subjugation of the masses.

They've crept on to my wrapping paper! They. Are. Everywhere! Run . . .run for the hills!

These jumped-out of a cubby-hole in Debenhams, Basingrad (the bloody place is infested with them) and nearly got me, but I managed to shoot them and make for the escalator!

If this warning has come too late for you, and you have youngsters around over the holiday, this is an A4 dimensioned picture you can print-off for them to colour-in, it might buy you 20-minutes peace and quiet, but then again . . . it might not!